The Engleson Files

Since I am on a little rant here about some of the issues of living in China, let me tell you all another story detailing the complexities of life here in the Middle Kingdom - and that is, of course, the purchasing of english muffins for my eggs benedict. Now I suppose the mere fact that we have english muffins in China is a treat in itself, but man-oh-man, the process of buying the ones that are here is of epic proportions! What I am about to tell you is the exact same chain of events that happens to me everytime - here it goes: First, I must get into a zen-like trance in order to mentally prepare for challenge that lies ahead, I then get on my motorized bicycle and ride down to our local McDonald’s. Once inside, I quickly sneak over to the far right side of the counter and talk to the managers in light green shirts (which also happens to be the exact same people for the past two years!) and I ask to buy 4 pieces of morning bread - zhaoshan mianbao - and it is from this precise moment where the madness begins. The manager will ask other workers what my request is, a small huddle will ensue and then from there one worker with minimal English skills will emerge. I then ask again (in English) for the morning bread, she will pause, scratch her head and then re-ask the manager (in Chinese) as to what I am talking about - it is also usually around this time that a mass curiosity of what I am doing hits the entire restaurant and everyone begins to stare at me. Once my request is figured out I immediately get told meiyou - or “no have” as it translates - which is then accompanied with the customary wave-off to my face. Because I have done this many times before I remind them that they do, in fact, have this type of bread and I ask again - the wave-off is repeated in the hopes that I will leave them alone. I then ask for the foreigner brochure that shows the menu and do my best to re-explain to them exactly what it is I want. By now the manager has left and has officially assigned a lower echelon employee to deal with me; and from here I succeed in detailing my wish to the point where it is completely undersood what it is I want; but I then quickly get my third wave-off - meiyou. Now slightly frustrated, I again explain to them that I have come in to this store many times and have purchased english muffins successfully and simply wish to do the same again right now. Sensing my frustration, the managers now come back onto the scene, talk to the person who has been assigned to me, they all deliberate in back of the kitchen far away from the freak show I have created and then come back and say they can do it. Success! This process is usually 30 minutes and happens everytime-single-time. So, the next time you are eating eggs benedict with english muffins that you have purchased at your local grocery store just think of what it takes to do the same in the Middle Kingdom - that is life in China to a tee!